Wednesday, May 23, 2012

A Little Introduction

I was frantically looking for the nurse call button while trying to clean the fluorescent green spit-up off my baby boy. Something doesn’t seem right; I just know it in my heart. I’m too happy I think to myself. Something is bound to go wrong. Things just seemed to perfect.
Even as I’m writing this it seems a little dramatic, but, at the time, the panic was overwhelming. It was a panic that I’m used to feeling. I’m all too familiar with the feeling that the ride is about to get bumpy.
            The nurse came in and took Max. She said I was right to call and that green spit-up was not normal. She was so calm; as if she knew the most important job she had to do was to stay calm for me at that moment. She was a woman who was born to be a nurse and in that moment she was awesome.
            I was all alone in the hospital at the time. It seems that I’m always alone when things start to turn south. I had sent my husband home to shower and take care of the animals. I had things under control. Sure, Max seemed to be spitting up an awful lot and the nurses seemed to comment a lot about the amount of mucus he was producing, but everything was so great. Little did I know that the nurses were already concerned about Max. They were monitoring him closely and didn’t even share this with me until they had solid evidence that something was wrong. Green spit-up was solid evidence.
            The nurse came back in with the doctor in tow, no Max. This was going to be bad I thought. They had taken Max to the NICU and had begun preparations to transport him to Johns Hopkins Hospital.
How could this happen? When did things get to this point?
            The one thing that I’ve noticed about drama in my life is that it goes from 0 to 60 in seconds. One minute I’m thinking about how great life is and the next minute I’m begging any higher power that will listen to just spare me this suffering. But that’s the nature of the beast. Bad times are unexpected and you are usually poorly prepared for them. You are blindsided.
            Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t believe that I’m unique with my suffering or that I’m the only one who experiences things like this. I know that everyone feels this. Everyone feels the panic of a blindside in their life
            I don’t feel like I’m an expert at dealing with bad times. I still make terrible mistakes. For instance, a couple of weeks ago, I lost my mind for a couple of days when the sonogram at my 29 weeks check-up showed that bad times were right around the corner, again. I wanted to die. Immediately, my mind went to giving up. This life is too hard; I can’t do it. All those negative feelings I have had to conquer in the past came rushing right back and I knew I had to do all the work all over again. But, something was different this time. I only lost my mind for a couple of days. The time before that, I was only lost for a couple of months. And, the time before that, I was only gone for a summer.
I was beginning to handle the bad things faster. I was able to see that things were going to be okay sooner. But, I wasn’t able to handle the bad news better. I still broke down like a little baby. My goodness, if you could have seen the doctor’s face when I broke down on the table after he told me about my daughter’s dilated bowel. He wasn’t sure what to do. I really felt bad for him.
After I voiced my pain to my husband and my sister, I was able to see that this was familiar and I’ve made it through once before. I was able to see that things were bad once before, but now they are okay. I was confident that things were going to be okay again.
Believe me; this revelation that things will be okay didn’t occur overnight. I’ve had quite a few blindsides and plenty of time to practice. I do have to admit that the concept of “everything will be okay” wasn’t my idea. I was watching television one day and the Dalai Lama was being interviewed by some primetime newscaster. I had never heard the Dalai Lama speak nor did I intentionally seek his advice. I wasn’t looking for any answers. I was honestly just bored and nothing else was on. I only remember two responses from the Dalai Lama in the whole interview. In retrospect, I wish I was smart enough to listen more carefully. First, the interviewer asked him who created the universe. He calmly answered, “We did.” This response is what got me to look at the television. I wasn’t used to a religious figure not mentioning a god when talking about creation. Furthermore, he gave the entire credit of the awesome universe to human beings. The other answer that stuck with me, though I didn’t realize how much it would affect the rest of my life at the time, was given when the interviewer asked something along the lines, “What advice do you have for someone going through difficult times?” He said, with a broad smile, “Everything will be okay.”
This didn’t make me want to run out a convert to Buddhism. In fact, I thought of myself more of an atheist. I was an intellectual and surely God or a higher power didn’t belong in my life. I actually thought people who believed in anything were weak or naïve. Why would you believe in something so ridiculous? Despite not being completely sold on the religion aspect, I couldn’t help but find myself reassuring myself and others with “Everything will be okay”. It was the simplest concept that really seemed to be the truth. Life was about to really test my optimism. Was everything really going to be okay when truly horrific events start to rock my world?
            Max was in the NICU a little over an hour away from me. I had a broken tailbone and separated synthesis pubis, so walking or moving was very difficult for me. Despite my desires to leave the hospital and get to my son, I listened to my doctor’s advice to give my body another day to recover from delivery. Actually, it was more like my body made the decision for me as walking was near impossible.
            My husband was amazing. He became this strong and dependable person who was loving and caring to this little baby that he just meant. He didn’t think he had it in him to love something so unconditionally from the first moments, but he did. I think it surprised him as much as it surprised me. In fact, he was too good. It was like he was feeling the way I was supposed to feel. I was busy feeling overwhelmed and ready to run. I distinctly remember walking alone, back to where I was staying, after visiting with Max. There were taxi cabs waiting for the next customer and I thought to myself, “I could just get into one of these cabs and leave. I have enough cash to buy a plane ticket and just disappear.” Boy, am I ever glad I got on that plane and never looked back!!
            Actually, I didn’t run. I stayed and I fought. I am so glad I did. Although, life hasn't turned out the way I imagined, I know everything’s going to be okay.

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